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Post by kristae on Aug 11, 2011 18:54:19 GMT -6
Yeah, it really all depends on the situation. When my grandmother died, I had to travel up to my mom's for a few days for the wake(s) and the funeral. My mom actually asked that I bring my toddler-- he cheers her up like nothing else. So I brought him to the wakes, and he was actually really good. And if he got restless my two nephews (11 and 13) would take him out for a walk, or into another room to play. So it was nice for them to have something to do, because they quickly got bored. It WAS open casket (ugh), but he didn't notice at all, actually.
The funeral was trickier, but once again, my nephews came through and kept my son quietly amused. And when he started fussing, I just took him downstairs for a few minutes, and then came back up and sat in the back of the church, instead of making a scene by going back to the front. Everybody understood. But if Mom had shown the slightest bit of hesitation about having him there, then I would have definitely arranged for sitting.
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nielsy
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Post by nielsy on Aug 11, 2011 19:45:21 GMT -6
I've never been to an open casket funeral either.
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feen
New Member
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Post by feen on Aug 11, 2011 20:28:15 GMT -6
Kids have always been a part of every funeral Ive been to , my kids went to their grandfathers funeral and my eldest really brought a ray of sunlight to the day especially when he narrated Dads little slideshow . Everyone loved it .
I wouldnt take my kids to someone who wasnt family's funeral unless I knew it was ok though and obvioulsy it was ok with them if they said so.
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feen
New Member
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Post by feen on Aug 11, 2011 20:29:46 GMT -6
And I have only been to two funerals out of the many , many I have attended that were closed casket but that has more to do with my mums side of the family ...
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Post by Kate Capehart on Aug 11, 2011 21:17:19 GMT -6
I've been to two open casket funerals. The first was my grandmother's and I watched her die (literally) and I couldn't bring myself to look in the casket. The second was my foster brother (my parents take in strays like I do) and I did look in the casket...and I wish I hadn't. He died of a drug over-dose (whether it was accidental or not we'll never know) and he was just all puffy and still...he didn't remind me of the boy I knew. The boy I had grown to love and eventually miss.
For some people I guess an open casket provides closure and a way to say goodbye. But for me...it's just weird. :/
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Post by johnny on Aug 11, 2011 22:26:59 GMT -6
Definitely a case by case basis. The last couple that I've gone to were both going to be long Catholic masses in crowded churches followed by a burial and then a reception with speeches. Not a good scene for even a fairly well-behaved 3 year old. I think if you know the family well, know the scenario, etc. there is nothing wrong with it at all.
In my husband's community we would never think of leaving a child at home. It's just not done there. They all run around during the whole thing, past the open casket, jumping over the hole in the ground.... Okay, I'm exaggerating but his people love a good funeral. Sort of a circle of life kind of idea. We are talking about a culture that when I got my own burial plot (yes folks, you read that right, I own my own plot) I received several phone calls of congratulations from family members and family friends. It's just a different scenario.
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Post by Mary N on Aug 12, 2011 5:11:08 GMT -6
Johnny - you're not alone - I already have my own burial plot as well! It was a "gift" from my parents some years ago. It's a double plot, so the hubs has room to spend eternity with me, should he be so inclined I don't mean to offend any of you, but reading some of these posts, I'm really glad that I grew up in an area that "normalizes" death and funerals. There is no fear, dread, or any type of discomfort other than grief associated with viewings, wakes or burials. This is not specific to a particular ethnic background or religious affiliation, either - it just seems to be how things are done in the greater Baltimore area. Children are always included, particularly in the wakes/viewings. They are not expected to be any better behaved than they are at someplace like a grocery store or any other social gathering. What I mean by that is that there is no expectation for quiet, solemn behavior. A "viewing" open casket or closed, is merely just a gathering of people who have come to honor the deceased, or offer support and condolences to the family. It's really just a roomful of people who are talking, laughing, and sometimes crying; in essence, a social gathering of the deceased's family and friends. Children of all ages are both included, and welcomed, and the expectations placed on their behavior is no different than they would be at any other public social function. Now, the church services are a little different - especially if you are talking about a Catholic mass. Again, children are welcome, but most of us do try to find some type of childcare for that. Most toddlers don't do well with regular Sunday services, so it would be unreasonable to expect a funeral mass to be any different. When my own mother died, Molly was only 18 months. She came with us, and walked into the church with me, but within 10 minutes or so, my MIL took her out into the narthex (lobby area), and kept her entertained out there for the remainder of the service. I had no unrealistic expectations of her making it through that hour+ service. She did go to the graveside with us; the service there is maybe 10 minutes. And yes, she was running around, "dancing" on the surrounding graves. Not only was that fine, it was a bit healing and comforting to all who were there. My mom would have loved it.
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Post by denikke on Aug 12, 2011 11:45:10 GMT -6
I agree with those who have said that it depends on the situation.
I have no problem exposing my children to death, and I have no intention on hiding it from them when they do finally have to experience it on a personal level. I've been lucky this far in the fact that I've never lost anyone close to me. Friend or family. So my kids first experience with losing someone they're close to will probably be my first experience too.
I don't think I would take my kids to a religious funeral service, but to a wake or to the grave site, I don't see why not. That would be more out of concern for my kids than anything else. They're small and get bored easily. So I wouldn't take them (currently) anywhere, wedding or baptism or funeral, where they would be forced to sit through a long, boring service.
If it was a funeral for a friend or something like that, it would more depend on how close that friend was to my kids. If they were close, then I'd probably bring them. If not, I'd probably go alone.
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Post by Amie T on Aug 14, 2011 1:12:51 GMT -6
I don't see the big deal. I still remember saying good bye to my own grandpa when I was 4 at his viewing. We (the kids) didn't attend the funeral. My dad's side of the family gets quite loud when they're grieving, something I learned when I was older and a few other family members passed. It was a startling thing, even as a teenager, to listen to my family lose their nut. I have never been to any other funeral, wake or service where a family or group have let out their grief so verbally.
Since I've had my kids my gramma's and other grandpa have passed away, 3 aunts, 3 uncles and a few friends. My kids have been to some and not others.
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donnab
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Post by donnab on Aug 14, 2011 2:19:56 GMT -6
Erin, I'm surprised you haven't experienced a viewing. In my husband's family (from your neck of the woods) they've had viewings for all the dead so far... as far as I know. I don't really agree with viewings, but only because it tends to change a person's memories. My MIL remembers her mother's face as the one she saw in the coffin, rather than a pleasant memory.
Tara, I don't see what the big deal was in taking kids to the service and think that woman was out of line. I commend you on keeping your cool and not chastising her for not being able to read!
Kids, and many adults, need to learn about death and how it's just a part of life. I think because our society tends to shelter people from the dying and death in general, many people have a debilitating fear of death. If kids were to grow up understanding death, it may be possible to eliminate the fear of it.
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nielsy
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Post by nielsy on Aug 14, 2011 15:16:26 GMT -6
They usually have a viewing for family and close friends only where I live and then a closed casket funeral for friends and acquaintances.
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Post by lissaharrison on Aug 14, 2011 20:51:38 GMT -6
I think kids and funerals depend on the child and the part the person who has died played in the childs life. My Mother was brought up in a community where women did not attend funerals, My Father in a community where death was followed by viewings, food, drink and Mass, it was a three day event. I personally didn't attend a funeral until I was seventeen. When my eldest sons Great Grandfather died we all believed at five he was too young, I regret that choice he has never really forgiven me for not letting him attend. He did attend his Great Grandmothers funeral and dealt with the situation much better having been there. While we don't want our children to worry about dying they do need to understand that it is just what happens. My daughter sees it simply as your body is your car you just move around in it, it's not you. When you die you go somewhere else and your body is buried or burned, she doesn't really understand why people worry about that because it's just life and death.
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Post by Jodi A. on Aug 15, 2011 1:28:07 GMT -6
I don't really agree with viewings, but only because it tends to change a person's memories. My MIL remembers her mother's face as the one she saw in the coffin, rather than a pleasant memory. I'm a bit torn about viewings myself. I think it depends on the circumstances. I do remember my FIL's (he was my ex's dad, but we were still married at the time) face in the coffin, but we were actually with him at the hospital when he died, and that was also very upsetting, and I struggle with that memory too - his pain, his inability to drag a breath, it was really distressing. In some ways, because of that distressing memory, the memory of him in his casket gave me a little more peace - but only marginally. I think if my previous memory of someone is of them being happy and not ill, I would prefer to skip the viewing and keep that memory of them as my last. I chose to skip the viewing when my uncle died a few years ago for that very reason. Perhaps any decision I ever made about funerals and viewings for my children would probably depend on their memories in the same way I choose.
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donnab
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Post by donnab on Aug 15, 2011 20:35:28 GMT -6
I agree, Jodi. Tempering a horrific memory (like seeing someone die) with a viewing would be beneficial. I'd never actually thought of that, even though I have seen loved ones die.
It's the same with my kids. They haven't been to a funeral as yet, but when the time comes if they are old enough they can help make the decision with us. Although, I still doubt I would allow them into a viewing because of my views on the subject.
When my father died my step mother organised a WEEK LONG viewing. She's Filipino and I guess it's a Filipino/Catholic custom... I don't know, but I thought it was incredibly unhealthy psychologically speaking. For the time the viewing was open, my step mother sat there beside my father and played hostess to any one who came in. They served food for goodness sake! She was very upset with me because I wouldn't go and on like day 2 she wanted me to go with her and VIDEO the day. There was some random Filipino family at the house (not unusual) that was supposed to be friends of some family member or something like that, but anyway they had a 7 year old daughter that my step mother asked to be the one to video this viewing!!!! Her father agreed to let her go with my step mother, but I (the 33 yo, singleton with no kids) stepped in and told her she wasn't going to let this little girl who didn't even know my father do it. Argument ensued, I took the camera and it was done. But really, it was over the top and unnecessary... the viewing I mean. In the end she did get someone to video the day and apparently she occasionally still watches it. Yuck.
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Post by elfrieda on Aug 17, 2011 12:58:27 GMT -6
If the parents didn't have a problem, there's no problem. Please don't worry about it. People act strangely when they're at funerals.
I was recently at a funeral for a 7 month old baby, and we left our son (who's 1) with my parents, just because I didn't want to cause extra pain to see a healthy happy baby when we are mourning one who never got to be healthy. The cousins and siblings of the parents brought their kids, and it was comforting to see them there, as well as the 2 year old brother of the dead infant.
I think it would have been fine, but I didn't quite feel comfortable with it. He loves hamming it up and making people laugh, so I just didn't want to bring him.
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