Kids at funerals

[taramom]

I went to the memorial service for my friend Jen's still born baby this morning. Steve had to work (not raining means roofing in our house) and so I took the kids with me.
No problem for the mom and dad, who held the memorial service, in fact dad thanked me for bringing Aila cause she is his daughter's best friend and being just 6 she doesn't get all the sadness and fuss about her stillborn brother... so having my Aila there helped her just be normal.
But...
I had another friend of ours who has three kids all under 6, including a 2 month old,, pull me aside and admonish me for putting my kids through all of this and also for not being sensitive to Jen by bringing my youngest son who is almost 2!!

When I defended myself politely saying I knew Jen wouldn't have minded the family being there, we are all friends of theirs, she replied with "well... I bet she's just being nice, people just don't bring kids to funerals, especially not ones for little babies."

So what's your take?
Funerals and kids?
Sometimes? Sometimes not?
Never or always?

[marina]

I don't know. I think it is case by case basis. I would not bring my 16 month old, because sometimes the little ones are hard to control during times of peace and sorrow, but if my son who is 5 knew the deceased, and wanted to say goodbye, I would think about it. We really haven't talked about the subject of death in length. Maybe it is time to start.

[marina]

I do think the women who pulled you aside could have handled it differently, or have minded her own business. She may not think it is right, and she showed it by not bringing her own children.

[Cassie Champlin]

I agree with Marina. It's a very case by case basis. I've taken my girls to the viewing of three funerals but have only taken Emma, my youngest, to one actual funeral (she was only a few months old at the time).

For the most part, I think it can be inappropriate for children to actually see the bodies or be a part of the funeral service unless they are old enough to understand what is happening and love the person they have lost very much. At the last viewing that my girls went to, Kiera noticed the body in the casket for the first time. I try to make it a point to be there in support of the family who lost someone but not be anywhere in view of the body so that my girls don't see it. She thought the woman was sleeping and told everyone to be quiet because her grandma was sleeping. (Kiera calls everyone with grey hair either grandma or grandpa...). It was very sweet and made people smile but I wasn't happy that she had moved into the room with the body and made somewhat of a scene. At least it was a sweet, cute scene..

[marina]

I think if the children are respectful and controlled, it is really your choice as a parent what you want to expose them to. I mean, chances are there will be a casket containing the deceased, people crying and mourning, teaching your child this is not a place for fun and games is obviously important. Also, having the approval of the people hosting is just respectful and tactful.

[taramom]

Exactly. She wasn't comfortable bringing her own children, those are her beliefs in place. The baby's parents however had no problems with it and the actual invite read as "Your family is invited by our family to the memorial service for....." So really this woman was simply preaching her own beliefs at the funeral of a baby whose parents beliefs are different about death and funerals.

I think it's a case by case basis. Forcing young children to sit through hours of speeches about their deceased great uncle whom they met once is unnecessary in my opinion. Bringing children to a service for a child where it is a small gathering of people, or bringing children to the funeral of their beloved papa to say good bye is also different.
My older girls have now been to three funerals, one for my grandma, one for their grandfather and this once. They know how to behave respectfully and empathetically.
I think it's important that kids learn about death in a matter of fact way, it is biology and it is often sad, and there are many ways people deal with sadness and kids should know and see that.
Our society tends to try to protect people from death. Which I think is a disservice to human kind.

[taramom]

On the issue of bodies. I don't think it's appropriate for young children or any child who doesn't want to see a dead body be exposed to that potential. It's not an easy concept to grasp and when children see a body that has been treated kids think they are sleeping, they do look like they are sleeping. (that's a whole other thread, the whole open casket deal).

This baby was cremated. We all stayed for the service the dad read some very nice heart wrenching words he wrote and then we left the family to place his cremains in the ground alone, privately. We all then went to the reception. It was just before he started speaking that this other woman came over to me.

[dyan]

depends on who it is, and stuff. i do think she was right about it not being the best place for your young child. although i can't say i would've done differently. i'm not one to think about stuff like that before i do it. eek!!
kids i think are appropriate at almost every type of funeral i can think of. just a baby's funeral may not of been the best place.

[dyan]

when i mean young child i mean a child riley's age, closer to being a "baby"

[Lisa]

I know that when I miscarried seeing pregnant women bothered me for a while, knowing that they would get to birth and meet their babies. So that's probably what that woman who confronted you was thinking.

But I do think it's a case by case basis. Your friend was fine with having children there. And it would obviously be contingent on how one's small children could handle the particular setting.

[Mary N]

I come from an area where people do, and always have, brought their kids to viewings and funerals. I've been taking Molly to viewings with me since she was about 6 months old, and never has she been the only child there.

We most recently went to a viewing about a month ago. It was for the mother of a woman who was one of my mom's best friends. Molls and I walked in, said our hellos and condolences to bereaved daughter, and went up to the casket to pay our respects. We've done this before, and since I have no issues or hangups about dead bodies, I've never given her any reason to think there is anything wrong, bad, scary or abnormal about this. I really have found that how we approach something, even unconsciously, impacts how a small child responds. Molly went up, stood on the kneeler, and looked at the woman, and patted her folded hands. We then went and looked at all the "pretty flowers" and talked to a few more people, before heading out into the lobby area, where Molly played with the deceased's great-grandkids, who ranged in age from 10 months to 5 years. For Molly, it was a rather pleasant outing. For my mom's friend, it meant the world that I had not only come, but that I had brought my 2 y/o, who is the spitting image of my mother, this woman's oldest friend.

[nielsy]

As long as they aren't disrupting the funeral who cares? I don't see how it is disrespectful at all as long as they aren't running around pulling down flowers and stuff. It would be more disrespectful if you didn't show up because you couldn't get a babysitter.

[erinh]

I'm so glad we don't do viewings and open caskets here (or if we do, they are very rare and I've never heard of one).

I agree with Emma. It would have been far more hurtful to the family if you didn't attend because Steve was working. If you are confident that your children will behave appropriately, and you know the family is OK with it, I see nothing wrong with you taking your kids Tara. I wouldn't take Milla because she would talk the whole way through it.

The woman who lectured you should have stayed out of it. It really was none of her business.

[Jodi A.]

The only viewing I have ever been to was my ex FIL, and it was a private viewing for the family only the night before the actual funeral service. The funeral itself was closed casket. I've never been to an open casket funeral, they certainly aren't a common thing in Australia from what I can gather.

I wouldn't take a child to a viewing, or even an open casket funeral (depending on age of course, a teen may be able to handle it, but my daughter would have nightmares for months), but perhaps that is a cultural thing too.

Whether I would take the kids to a funeral would depend on so many things. The last funeral I went to I took my son (12 at the time), but chose not to take my daughter (who was only just 5). I took her to the wake though.

When my step-son was 4 he lost his baby brother (from his mum's new marriage) at 3 months old. We went to the funeral and he sat with us, but I didn't take my son (who was 5 at the time). I just didn't think he truly understood. My step-son only went to the service, we took him out for lunch and a playground for the afternoon during the private cremation. There was really no need for him to be there, he wouldn't have understood.

[Kate Capehart]

Funerals creep me out...don't think I'd take a kid between the ages of 1 and 9 to one. Younger than 1 and they won't know what's going on and probably won't care. Over 9 and they'll be able to process what's going on better. But that's just me.